Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from ‘The Real Housewives of New York City’

Forget kindergarten! All of life’s lessons can be taught by 6 fame-whoring, back-stabbing, rich but bored hausfraus from the big apple in season 3 of Bravo’s hit “reality” TV show.

Lesson 1: Jill Zarin teaches kids the art of how to ruin a close friendship by obsessing over one 6 word sentence.

You…. Need… to… Get… a… Hobby…!

Out of the ten of thousands of words the former BFFs exchanged over the years, Jill chooses to replay these 6 like a broken record. And that’s just on TV! I don’t even want to know what the inside of her head sounds like.

What was really pathetic was not that she saved the voice mail, nor that she played it for other housewives, but that she admitted that in moments of “weakness” when she is almost ready to let it go, she replays the tape over and over to get herself all boiled up with anger all over again. Take notes kids, this is how you turn a petty grudge into a relationship killing feud.

Lesson 2: The ever competitive LuAnn de Lesseps does Jill one better and teaches kids how to turn one word overheard by accident into World War III.

“Countless”

Yes, we’ve heard her repeat it countless times in countless encounters with countless people who are anyone but the person who said it. See kids, hurt feelings may actually go away if you just have a quiet chat with the person with whom you’re upset. Thank God the Countless Countess is here to give tips on how to drag a molehill out until you’ve created a mountain big enough to cause a major riff in a group dynamic based on one stupid word muttered under the breath several months ago. Very mature.

Lesson 3: Ramona Singer teaches kids how to have someone else start your fights for you.

If you’re lucky enough to have a loud-mouthed, trash-talking husband or partner like Mario, make sure to let him have free range at all events with your gal pals, and under no circumstances make excuses for him when he puts his foot in his mouth. Again.

Instead, claim you’re not involved and then secretly egg him on in private.

Note: should you not be lucky enough to have such a mench in your life, go the Jill route and get your new BFF LuAnn to do your dirty work for you.

Lesson 4: Alex McCord teaches kids how to stay out of conflicts, not take sides, and therefore end up enemies with everyone.

Let me clarify, by “stay out of it” she doesn’t mean stay out of it. She means flip back and forth telling each side that you are with them, and then with any luck, the truth will blow up in your face someday.

Lesson 5: Kelly Killoren Bensimon teaches kids the art of self-justification.

Listen carefully, because this is how you make yourself feel better about your selfish acts.

Posing in the suit God gave you for free to promote an organization who’s cause you strongly believe in is “down here” (make motion with you hand down near your knees).

Posing in a tacky bunny outfit for a sexist porn magazine for pay is a lesson you, as a role model to 2 young girls, want to impart. And it makes you “up here” (make motion with your hand up near your ears).

Lesson 6: Bethenny Frankel teaches kids how to let your defense mechanism ruin all of your close relationships.

Humor is like chicken soup for the soul. But when your burly barbs turn away almost everyone you ever cared for, isn’t it time to reassess if the jokes are really that funny.

No way! As long as others are pissing themselves with laughter, it’s no holds barred in this world of yucks at all costs.

And yo mamma told me to say that when she left my house this morning.

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